My Kick Ass Resume

Dainty FlowersOne of the hazards of collecting unemployment is having to endure required “workshops” that come along as a stipulation for you to complete in order to see those checks.

I attended my first workshop several weeks ago. It was an orientation for all of the people filing new claims for unemployment. Yes, I will call them “newbs”. So there I was, a newb in a room full of newbs, and what happens? The newb orientation was conducted by a… wait for it… newb. Yes. The person leading the orientation was new to the job. Heck, at least she got one, right?

That workshop was nothing more than a marketing ploy for all the service agencies that offer assistance to people who find themselves out of work. Needless to say, I got credit for attending and my unemployment checks continued to flow into my bank account (although you wouldn’t know it because there are leeches sucking it out as fast as I can get it in there).

Today’s workshop topic was “resume writing”. Uh. Hello?!? I have a resume. I have a kick ass resume. How do I know it’s a kick ass resume? Several recruiters and one employer have told me it’s a kick ass resume, that’s how I know. Sure, I sound cocky, but I’m allowed to, because I have a kick ass resume. When you have a kick ass resume, you can get cocky too, okay?

I suppose the workshop contained valuable information for those who don’t have a resume, but seriously, they have been out of work as long as I have, that’s 2 and a half months. If they don’t have a resume, what exactly have they been doing for the past 74 days?

I was told my resume is a shining example of a “well-thought out, detail oriented, modern day, professional resume”. Yeah, so the guy that told me was a guy who works for the Department of Labor, but heck, at least he wasn’t a newb, right?

One thought on “My Kick Ass Resume

  1. I don’t know what state you are collecting your unemployment in, but in NC you have to take in a form that says you applied for X-number [five?] of jobs every week. That was all well and good for some weeks, but for others there weren’t five jobs to apply to. I made them up. For the short period during which I actually collected unemployment – two months, maybe? – I regularly got “selected” for various “free workshops.” They were supposedly for randomly picked collectors of unemployment, but I must be special or something because I was “randomly” picked for every one of their inane workshops, including writing a resume and interviewing skills, etc. I feel your pain. Good luck with your continued search.

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